2018, Column, LazyEye, Telegraph Calcutta

Haven’t you ever heard UnKiBaat?

Mahadeb hasn’t done a spot of work these past months. Or if he has, he’s proffered no evidence of it. He’s not God that he works in invisible ways; he’s merely called Mahadeb, he’s proffered no evidence he may also be God. But then God does work in invisible ways if not also ineffable, so perhaps it is wise to not press the point. Please God, no offence meant. #JustSaying.













But hashtags apart, what has Mahadeb been up to? He has probably become part of this country where people were subjected to NothingHappened for so long that they got so used to it that they do nothing. Wherever you go in this country, people are doing nothing. They are sitting on their haunches and looking left then right as if they were seated ringside on a tennis Grand Slam clash. They do not even sit there and shoot the air, for had they all together shot the air they’d have expelled all pollution. Imagine the national service of our billions seated on their haunches, shooting air. Flights and trains landing on time. Children not wheezing at school. Adults not having to measure SPM levels before they let their children out into the dreadful outdoors. The KaamAadmiParty boss not having to tear himself away from kaam and enrol in a breathing class. Honourable members of the HouseOfBabel not having to stoop to taunting the nobility of MakeInIndia by peddling NotMadeInIndia air purifiers. One of them is so patently anti-national that she advertises some county in a country which is actually a little island that kept our whole humongous subcontinent enslaved for centuries before we struggled and struggled and gave ourselves NothingHappened. Oh, if only all among us who sit on our haunches just shot the air in unison! But we are such ingrates, we have no sense of national pride; what will become of us, Maaaaa! Which cry should also remind us, if we are at all patriots, of Mooooo! Excuse me? Anyhow. Whatever.

Mahadeb must be ashamed. Look at what The Chaiwala has achieved meantime. For those who don’t do the patriotic duty of tuning into DoneKiBaat every last Sunday of the month, let me bring you up to date. Everything, bhaaiyon-behnon, has been done dana done, done dana done, DONE!

Black Money menace. Tick. Demonetised. Dead. Swiss Money recovery. Tick. What did you think he was in Davos for, posing in the snowfall?

Fifteen lakh rupees in each account. Tick. It was a jumla, now don’t go on and on about it.

Ganga clean-up. Tick. It’s pure as it drips from Gangotri, check out the bottle you had your last gulp off. It was hand-filled by the river-bank at Benaras. (AMBULAANCE!!)

Jobs to millions. Tick. And for those still looking, many more situations are vacant at WowVigilante.com, ShoveJehad.com, VarniSena.com, JobsInBakistan.bk, just Gospel it, there are many more where these came from.

Universal electrification. Tick. Didn’t the minister tell us, if they try hard and patriotically enough, even London will look as bright as our motherland from the satellites one day?

Settling Pakistan. Tick. Why do you think our military facilities have been breached and our borders pounded like never before? They’re frustrated, man, samjha karo.

Settling China. Tick. Settled, had like chowmen on a swing. We’re singing. Bujhlam, Doklam, Jaataram!

Minimum government, Maximum governance. Tick. Just do a double-check whether you have your Niraadhaar number yet; that done, please check which department of what ministry you need to line up at posthumously in order that they verify you for jannat or jahannum, wherever you are headed, dearies.

Achchhe Din. Tick … tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock…

We’re on our way

And the way is swell

Everything, as they say

Is perfectly in the well.

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