Telegraph Calcutta

In The Lee Only Me, Very PlaneLee


We needed more Rifales, many more Rifales. This is election year. Rifales are useful, they come in handy, they always have in election year. No? Oh perhaps you don’t understand, or you understand little. Or nothing. Rifales, bhai! Rifales! Bandooks!

The fundamental thing to understand about Rifales is that they are Bandooks, they fire. Uff, I know they fly and some people call them aircraft and planes and jets and stuff like that, but here is the fundamental flaw with that. (But let me first pause here and purse my lips and nod my sagely head and look into the far distance, which is about as far as the wall on which hangs my leader’s head, and  give you time to grasp the wisdom of what I am about to say. This is how I do things. I realise not everybody is able to understand my simplifications of complications, of which there are more than just a few at the moment. Explaining Rifales is just one of them. My name is ExplainLee, and I am to SamjhataHoon what Bruce was to KungFoon.)

So, as I was saying, Rifales are planes but they are not only planes; they are not planes you can buy tickets for and go from place to place. Only the BossOfAllThings can to that, get into a plane without a ticket and go from place to place. But I am digressing. (HUSHED NOTE TO SELF: These dunderheads gathered here obediently taking notes have no idea but I am rehearsing the art of digression here, you birdbrained guinea pigs! We must digress, we must learn to digress, when we are cornered, as we are now, cornered into many corners, we must be armed with many digressions. When we are asked the full form of AA , for instance, we must begin to say Kyon? Kyon? Or just Q Q. Or when we are asked about jobs we must turn to pakodas and tea brewed on gutter gases. It’s good to practise digression, which is what I am also doing here. So there. But for now, digression done.)

So Rifales are Bandooks, flying Bandooks. They spit, they fire, they set things to flames and tear them asunder. Which is why Rifales are good things to have in election year. Remember Phophors? Those bandooks they earlier got? Please recall what impact Phophors guns had in election year. They were good Bandooks, they did the job. Ooops! Did I just get carried away? Did I just argue these Bandooks —- Rifales and Phophors —- work poorly, even disastrously, in election year for those that acquire them? Ahem! Ahem! Happens. I do get carried away sometimes. The logic of what I was arguing is that Bandooks you buy become weapons firing for the opposition in election year. WHAT? I did it again?! Sorry folks, extremely sorry, this is not what I meant to argue.

I meant to say our Bandooks are better than your Bandooks and therefore … therefore.. therefore.. for details read my flog. I frequently flog, I am the Commissar of Flogging, after all. Flogging is my given job, a job nobody can take away from me. Even when they had no job for me, flogging was my job. I flogged and flogged and I flogged my way back. I flog relentlessly. I flog everything in sight. I flog with a passion so intense it does not really matter what is true and what is not, and what is clever or stupid, I just flog because it is what brings out the passion in me. I flog hard. I flog everything I am asked to flog or everything that my DeeahLeedaah will be happy to see me flogging.  I’ve been told a certain chaiwala requires a round of flogging and that would make the BossOfAllThings happy —- a charlatan chaiwala by the name of Mahadeb who has been playing his chai trade with a sense of purpose and honesty only so he can give a poor name to The Chaiwala. But this Mahadeb’s suddenly vanished somewhere. But I’m certain we have the resources to grab him wherever it is he is hiding. We have OmitWah, you see! Aur, Ganga saugandh, OmitWah ke haath bahut lambe hain. I digress again, but that, as I said, is just good rehearsal.

So we have the Rifale

But we’ve begun to fear

It’s proving bad for our hal

In this the election year



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