2020, LazyEye, Telegraph Calcutta

LazyEye: Let us do some Tann ki Baat

The thing is that it is not a thing to last. But while it lasts it is the thing you might hold most dear. Because it is the thing you are, this tann. You know that, of course. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be reading this. It is because you know that, because you have a tann, that this is a thing that can be conveyed. It is because you know that you can receive. Without the tann, that would not be possible. Not for me to tell, not for you to hear.

Lots of things would not be possible without the tann, it is the vessel of our beings, the house where we house ourselves while the tenancy of life lasts. Tann is the factory floor on which we become who we are, it is where we might do the things we might do, or mightn’t, it is the womb of our souls. And then the soul escapes the womb one day, of course, and leaves the tann behind. That is what we call death. The expiry of functions of a most complex concoction of things, innumerable things, let’s not even begin to count or draw an inventory of the tann, there would be no time for that. The tenant departs, those quarters would no longer admit another occupant. End of tann.

Continue reading “LazyEye: Let us do some Tann ki Baat”
2020, Column, Telegraph Calcutta

What you see, What you can’t

Or, lies about the dark side of the moon and yet more lies we tell ourselves

There is so much talk about darkness all around. But there is also talk about light. Contrary talk, it can leave you confused, like a ram that might wonder if it’s being fed out of love or being fed out of the love of… well. There is always this thing, and then there is that thing. Think about the dark side of the moon. Then think about the absurdity of it. The dark side of a darkness. Scientists, Astronomers, Spacemen, lend me your ears, I come to bury lies, not to perpetuate them. Darkness is where you do not take the lights. Light is where darkness flees in fright. Where it flees to we do not know; where it comes from, this darkness, we may have some notion. Darkness comes from dark things. What are dark things? We should have some notion, we’ve had a few years of trying, six or thereabouts. If we still do not know where darkness comes from, it is probably darkness we deserve. We kid ourselves, or delve in delusions.

The dark side of the moon is the twilight of a lie of your invention — the moon has no light, darkness cannot have a side, the dark side is defined by where the sun casts its light, or does not at a given time. So, please, end the lie. And the pretence of your erudition. Unmask the moon, let darkness be whole, do not tell us darkness has a side. Do not defame the moon. It has made us love, which is not a mean thing it has done. It has made us pine in its waning, and dine over its waxing, and those are no mean things either. Illusion has served survival far more than reality, no matter that illusion is appropriately a synonym for a lie. If truth afforded us living, not so many of us would be living, and not for the lengths we do. If truth afforded us living, we would be swearing by the moon. For it has no dark side or a side that is not lit. It passes not a waning or a waxing. It has no light. It has turned even its scars into a thing of beauty remarked upon, or some such thing. Wastrel poets and their even more wastrel leagues of investors would know.

Continue reading “What you see, What you can’t”
2020, Column, LazyEye

Khaamosh Adaalat Jaari Hai

Or, who gets rogered

Who are these people, who might they be? Sometimes it is tough to tell. You know, who knows? Are they Lords or Ladyships of Justice, wigs and gowns and all? Or are they those you know, jo kapdon se pehchaaney jaatey hain? Who knows who is who or what is what anymore? It has become tough to tell. Just the other day, for instance, I picked up that Book and swore allegiance to it and proclaimed in the highest decibel I am able to create through my, what do you call it, voice box, yes — voice box is what I have and that is all I have — and so I proclaimed that I owe allegiance to the Book as a way of declaring my undying love for what we set out to be and what we wish to go on being, and lo and behold, I had visitors.

You know what it means when you get visitors these days. Or when you get a call. You are in a good place if you don’t, consider yourself very lucky. I can’t say that for me. I have been brought before the adaalat. Don’t get me wrong. I do not mean that literally. I do not mean adaalat as in the courts, although I do also mean that. But I do not mean adaalat as lower courts or courts higher than lower courts or courts higher than the higher courts. No, that is not what I mean, although I also mean that. I mean adaalatAdaalat, as in the dispensation, the establishment with a capital E, adaalat as in those that Decide in a way that there is no more deciding to be done after that.

I did say, but I hold the Sacred Book! And they said but who are you, you’re the wrong person to hold that book.

Continue reading “Khaamosh Adaalat Jaari Hai”
2020, Column, LazyEye, Telegraph Calcutta

Oh, but did you know this about him?

About me, rather. When they say about him, they are actually speaking for me and on my behalf, but they don’t want to embarrass me totally, you see, so they use the third person. That’s all right. That is only right. I am saying, rather asking, did you know this about me, and they are kind enough to put it another way so I don’t directly come in the way.

They are devoted people, they don’t want me to be seen as a publicist of myself, that is why they do it. They are well paid and looked after, do not worry, that much I do for services rendered to me, I have commerce in my blood, as I once famously or infamously said, you know, so I pay. Dhandho chhe, it’s business, and there is honour to keep in business. The honour of business is, you know, money. Money, money, money. Maal Baalendra. Oh sorry, I got that wrong, when everyone’s shouting your name aloud as if it were some magic mantra, the echoes can sometimes confuse you. It’s Baal Maalendra.

Continue reading “Oh, but did you know this about him?”
LazyEye, Telegraph Calcutta

How About An Act Of Dog?

Depends on which. Local dog? Or vocal dog? Biting dog? Or barking dog? Or dogs that are capable of both? Local dogs that are also vocal dogs? You’d know these. If you grace the nights long enough, you’d know. They do not allow the nights to be nights any more. If you live where most of us live, you’d know. Continue reading “How About An Act Of Dog?”